When MAGA MAN Meets Majick

“When MAGA MAN Meets Majick: The $25 Tantrum Heard Around the Broomstick”

By Dark Witchery |

darkwitchery.com

Let me tell you a little cautionary tale from the haunted corridors of online witchcraft.

A man—if we’re being generous with the term—wearing a metaphorical red hat and reeking of entitlement stronger than Florida humidity, stumbles onto my sacred corner of the internet: darkwitchery.com.

He pokes around, likely muttering, “You people are just like me,” which should’ve been my first clue that delusion was part of his spiritual path.

Then, with the courage only found in gas station coffee and Fox News reruns, he signs up for a $25 monthly subscription.

Probably thought he was infiltrating a coven to save America from black candles and feminine autonomy.

But alas, reality hit harder than his credit card bill.

The content?

Too dark.

Too smart.

Too female.

Too much actual power.

So what does he do?

He emails me with all the charm of a crusty broom handle and says,

“Unsubscribe me.”

Now, I run everything. The spells, the site, the dolls, the classes, the memes, the tea, the trauma.

I am the entire coven staff—so I politely tell him:

“You can unsubscribe yourself.”

(Translation: If you figured out how to click subscribe, surely you can figure out how to click unsubscribe, right?)

But no. No.

The full moon rises. The new month begins. And BOOM—he’s charged another $25.

A completely normal outcome for anyone who’s ever had a Netflix account, but to him?

A personal attack. A witchy conspiracy. An act of economic terrorism.

So instead of emailing me like an adult, he goes full red-alert and calls his bank.

He disputes the charge.

And the bank—gods bless their clueless souls—refunds him $25 and charges me $13 for the audacity of being a witch online.

That’s right. $38 out of my cauldron for a grown-ass man’s inability to click a button.

So let me be crystal clear for all future broom-hopping tourists:

This isn’t Etsy. This isn’t Amazon. This isn’t your church bake sale.

This is Dark Witchery.

You subscribed to a dark majick class, not a Cracker Barrel rewards program.

Refunds are not part of the ritual.

Tech support is not spellcasting.

And if you’re gonna call your bank over a $25 charge, you better pray I don’t call something back.

To my real witches:

Thank you for being intelligent, empowered, deliciously wicked subscribers who know how to click unsubscribe without screaming into a paper bag.

To the Trump cultists who wander in thinking this is the dark side of QAnon:

My spells are stronger than your Wi-Fi. Good luck.

—Darklady

darkwitchery.com