"That's not a Spirit Guide. That's just Todd From HR"

“That’s Not a Spirit Guide. That’s Just Todd from HR.”

By Darklady

You lit the incense. You saged the hallway. You whispered to the void…

And something answered.

But instead of divine guidance, you got… Todd. From HR.

In spirit form. In socks and sandals.

How You Know You’ve Contacted a Spirit That’s Useless:

He tells you to 'circle back' on your manifestation.

Excuse me, Todd, I didn’t ask for corporate feedback—I asked for forbidden knowledge.

Keeps handing you paperwork in your dreams.

I want arcane secrets, not dream memos about “Q2 Shadow Performance Goals.”

Says things like, “Let’s align on our energy deliverables.”

Todd, if you don’t hand me a cursed artifact and a map to the underworld, I swear I’ll banish you with a glitter jar and a middle finger.

You tried summoning your ancestral matriarch. Got a man named Todd instead.

She’s probably rolling in her grave while this man tries to explain how chakras are just “emotional spreadsheets.”

How to Send Todd Back to the Cubicle Dimension:

1. Burn office supplies.

A ritual fire of printer paper, expired IDs, and passive-aggressive sticky notes. Spirits hate that corporate energy.

2. Chant: “Not today, Todd.”

Repeat three times while rolling your eyes. It’s ancient. It’s effective.

3. Replace the portal crystal with a stapler.

Confuses him. Breaks the connection. Gives you time to call in someone useful—like Lilith. Or a taxidermied crow.

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