So You Want to Be a Witch!

So You Want to Be a Witch? Here’s What You’re Really Getting Into (Spoiler: It’s Not Glamorous, It’s Gloriously Unhinged)

Oh, you saw a cute witch on TikTok swirling her tea with a crystal spoon and now you think you’re ready for the dark path?

Adorable.

Welcome to real witchcraft, sweetheart — where the herbs are moldy, your altar’s on the kitchen table next to your air fryer, and your cat is the only one with any actual power.

Let me take your hand (don’t worry, it’s only slightly cursed) and walk you through what being a witch actually means:

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1. The Candle Obsession Is Real

You’ll start with a couple black tea lights, maybe a fancy jar candle labeled “Moon Essence” (whatever the hell that is).

Two weeks later?

You’re a fire hazard with legs.

You’ve got candles in your bathroom, bedroom, underwear drawer, purse, glove compartment, and somehow — your freezer. You don’t even know why anymore. You're just lighting things and muttering.

Your home smells like a combination of pine tar, garden sage, and a séance gone sideways.

And when someone asks, “Why so many candles?”

You say:

“For ambiance and potential summoning. Mind your business.”

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2. Salt Is Now Your Emotional Support Substance

You used to cook with it.

Now? You throw it over your shoulder, line your windows with it, bathe in it, pour it in jars, curse with it, and honestly — if someone looked at your grocery cart, they’d assume you’re either a prepper or building a salt bunker.

At this point, you’re 12% sodium and 88% vengeance.

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3. Your Familiar Hates You But Also Manages Your Schedule

You wanted a loyal majickal companion.

You got Casper, who knocks your spell jars off the table, bites you during meditations, and sits directly in the pentagram every damn time — then glares like you’re the problem.

You: “Casper, help me summon.”

Casper: "I summon your downfall, Karen."

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4. Divination Will Ruin Your Peace

Let me be clear: do not ask your cards a question unless you're emotionally ready for a 78-card intervention.

You: “Will I find love this year?”

Deck: The Tower,

Ten of Swords,

The Devil…

upside down, on fire, laughing.

Thanks.

I’ll just go scream into my cauldron.

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5. Yes, You Will Curse People (and It’ll Feel Great)

You’ll say you don’t. You’ll claim you’ve “risen above.”

Then someone cuts you off in traffic, and suddenly you’re whispering Latin and flicking salt at their license plate.

It’s not a curse, you say. It’s… consequences.

A little karmic accountability with flair.

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6. Your House Becomes a Museum of “What the Hell Is That?”

Jars labeled “Do Not Open.”

A bag of bones (chicken? Maybe?)

An old doll with pins in it and a Post-it that says “Greg.”

A dark mirror that reflects… something.

Every surface is covered in herbs, threads, feathers, rocks, and stuff that looks like evidence in a crime documentary. And somehow, you know where everything is.

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7. Witches Don’t Have a Glow-Up. We Have a Breakdown With Glitter.

The full moon comes. You’re barefoot in the yard holding a jar of rainwater, crying, and yelling at the sky while your neighbors pretend not to look out the window.

You’re not okay.

But you’re powerful.

And honestly, those two things are related.

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Truth Time:

Being a witch isn’t about aesthetics.

It’s about embracing chaos in black lace and combat boots.

It’s muttering spells under your breath at the grocery store.

It’s putting a hex in your planner next to your dentist appointment.

It’s lighting a candle, burning some herbs, and whispering:

“Let’s see what kind of dark majick we can get away with today.”

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Wanna laugh-cry your way through it with me?

Then baby, you better subscribe monthly at darkwitchery.com —

because I’ve got spells, rants, rituals, and absolutely zero patience for toxic positivity.

Let’s hex the patriarchy, curse bad wifi, and cackle into the abyss — together.